Since our son was born, we've had quite a bit on our plates, and the bulk of it had little to do with the new baby in the house.  We work pretty diligently at keeping drama out of our home, and when it worms it's way in, it's pretty difficult to deal with.  I don't deal well with stress (and that's an understatement, just ask my husband). Luckily, my husband takes pretty much anything in stride, so he's usually a great balance for me.  The last two years though, have kept me out of sorts quite a bit of the time.  Some probably find that surprising.  I usually put on a pretty calm face for the rest of the world, but inside, I've been more stressed than I could ever put words to.

When our son was born, we knew there would be quite a bit of family coming to visit to meet the baby, and we were prepared for that.  It was most helpful in the months after he was born really, especially since I had a c-section and wasn't allowed to cary anything that weighed more than my lil man, including him strapped into his lil carrier car seat.  So it was great having family here to help me get things done that I couldn't do, and help me get my son to and from his doctors appointments and such.  I am truly grateful for the help I got in those early months, it really made things much easier.

The problems really started a few months later... I'm not going to get into the details of what exactly happened because it's not my dirty laundry to air out.  Lets just say, we voluntarily agreed to help some family members out with some important situations that they could not deal with on their own.  We got involved because we were needed and there weren't any better options, and we love our family no matter what.  The thing is, things never work out the way they are planned, and we knew that going in. We are pretty flexible people so that wasn't initially a problem, but some of that flexibility came back to bite us in the fanny later on.  What we were terrible with, was setting boundaries when it comes to helping those we love.  It's something we're really still dealing with, and it will probably always be a struggle.

As often happens when drama is involved things pretty much snowballed on us, and we dealt the best way we knew how.  Now, we're dealing with cleaning up the mess we've made of our own lives in the process of helping others.  We opened up our home and our lives to those we love, and put too much of ourselves into it.  We gave and gave, physically, financially and emotionally, and in the end we are the ones paying the price.  Our finances are in shambles, our home is a disaster, and I for one am too emotionally spent to put any more emotion into anyone else's problems at all.  All I can manage for the time being is taking care of my immediate household needs.  My son is my focus throughout the day, and when my husband isn't working as much overtime as possible to make up for our financial difficulties, I spend as much time with him as I can.

I'm still working through learning the lessons in all this.  I know lesson number one is to remember to take care of myself and my family even when I'm trying to help someone else.  I can't put all of myself into someone else's problems, no matter how serious those problems are.  My husband and my son need me and the only way I can be there for them, is if I'm taking care of myself too.  I have to take care of all of myself though, my emotions, my spirituality, my whole being.  I talk a good game, people probably think I do pretty good remembering those things.  The truth is, I am just as bad as the next person at remembering that I'm an important person too, and I suffer for it sometimes.

Going forward, I'm taking things one day at a time.  Some days I have to force myself to get dressed and get things accomplished though.  I do know that  we'll get through these challenges, we seem to pull through pretty well given enough time.  I just hope that we learn the lessons well because I don't need any repeat performances.  Only time will tell.

As I said in my last post, I finally became a mother in August of 2011.  My husband and I had waited a long time for this and there was a lot of heart ache in the earlier years of our marriage.  You see, I've been pregnant before, although not for very long.

We suffered our first miscarriage the year before we got married.  We'd begun planning our wedding already at the time, and when we discovered I was pregnant, we put off the wedding because I didn't want to walk down the aisle 8 months pregnant.  When I miscarried, we decided that the later date was still best.  We had a lot of emotional damage to work through, and it wasn't an easy road.  We'd suspected there was a problem with the pregnancy pretty much from the beginning because I was spotting, but neither one of us would allow ourselves to believe that something so terrible would happen to us... I guess everyone feels that way at some point.  Our loss nearly drove us apart, we just didn't know how to talk to each other about what we were feeling.  It was a real test of the strength of our relationship.  We learned though, to lean on each other for comfort and support.  I think it was sheer determination that got us through and made our beautiful wedding happen the next year.

A year after we were married, we moved to Texas.  We lived in a pop-up camper for 8 months, and managed to save enough money in that short time to put a down payment on a house.  It seemed our lives were really coming together so we decided to "try again".  A friend I worked with had had similar difficulties with her fertility so we decided that we'd both schedule check-ups with an OBGYN as a first step on our TTC(trying to conceive) journey.  I think it was the only way either one of us were ever going to try to figure out if there was some reason we had miscarried in the past or why after a few years, we'd still not gotten pregnant again.  Not long after our check-ups, we both found out we were pregnant.  For me, it was the same as the first time... More spotting, more worrying, more blood tests (to watch my hormone levels) and within a couple of weeks, another devastating loss.  Thank goodness my friend didn't have to go through all of that again too.  She had a healthy baby boy and I couldn't have been happier for her.

I don't know which is worse after a miscarriage... All the checkups at the OB's office with a waiting room full of so many families joyfully expecting their little blessings... Or the stupid things people say, mostly because they don't know what to say.  For me though, the worst part was the stories on the news about people hurting or killing their kids.  I was angry for a while at the injustice of having lost my babies before even getting a chance to feel them move inside my belly, while the world was full of unwanted pregnancies and undeserving parents who would harm their own children.  After our second loss, it seemed as if every day there was another news story about a dead baby found tossed aside like so much trash.  It got pretty unbearable to watch the news, so I just stopped.  I'm glad I did stop watching the news though, because I think I'd have wallowed in my depression much longer and much deeper had I seen much more of that kind of news.

After our second loss, my husband and I decided not to wait to try again.  We tried charting my cycles, and keeping track of my basal body temperature for a couple years.  Month after month we went through the same heart breaking disappointment, and honestly our sex life became more of a obligation than anything we enjoyed.  We talked about fertility treatments, but decided against it because I knew there was too much risk of further loss, and I didn't think I could handle any more.

The next step we decided on was trying to adopt.  We did some research, and decided on going through the state's foster care program.  Private adoption was prohibitively expensive, and there are so many children in foster care that need a permanent home.  So, we signed up for their classes that are required to begin the process.  On our way, two rather large pickup trucks, nearly sideswiped us.  You'd think we would have taken that as a sign that this just wasn't meant to be, but we were determined.  The first half of the class seemed to be going really well, right up to just before the break, when they said "we don't place children in homes with certain breeds of dogs".  This was an instant red flag for us, because we had a young pit bull at home.  She was a gift from our realtor when we moved into our home.  We'd soothed our heartache a great deal with our pets, and they were (and still are) very precious to us.  After verifying with the CPS representatives that Pit Bulls were indeed one of those breeds that they won't place children with, we walked out of that class and never looked back.  My pit bull is the sweetest dog I've ever owned, and she is amazing with our little boy, so I don't regret that decision in the least.  At the time, however, it was incredibly disheartening.

Not knowing what else to do, we gave up on our quest for parent hood.  We put our relationship first, and really grew closer than we'd ever been.  I found faith again, in a new way, but one that felt more natural to me.  We found ourselves happy just as we were... Just the two of us.  I don't think either one of us ever stopped hoping we might have children one day, but we weren't making it a focus any more. Part of me had given up though, and I was OK with that.

So, when November 2010 came around, and I found myself feeling nauseated for several days with no apparent explanation, it was mostly on a whim that I decided to try a pregnancy test.  I didn't really believe it was possible.  I did the test while my husband was at work.  The results were pretty clear and immediate (+) couldn't miss that.  I cried for joy!  My husband got the news via a picture text, I couldn't wait to tell him.  He was speechless, according to his coworker, his face just went blank.  Of course there were those nagging fears mixed in with our joy, but this time was different.  I new it in the deepest part of my soul.  We waited until Christmas to tell our families though...

I'll never forget that day, nor the day my son was born.  I thank the gods every day for giving him to us.  We are truly blessed.

The past two plus years have been incredible and at times stressful.  I'll try to get to some of that in other posts though.  The biggest change in my life is that I'm a mother now.  We found out that we were expecting just a couple weeks after my last blog post, and oh the many ways my life has changed since.

My son will be two years old this summer, I can't believe how fast the time has flown by.  Having him, really makes me look at life differently, and has sparked some lifestyle changes in my husband and I.  We've begun to work on our dietary habits and the first step of that has been juicing fruits and vegetables at least once a day.  We're working toward adding much more fresh fruits and vegetables into our diet and getting rid of the overly processed foods, but right now it's gonna be one step at a time.  We can't afford to buy a bunch of fancy appliances to make this process easier, so we're doing what we can with what we have first.  My husband and I have both noticed a lot of improvement in our overall feeling of well being and our energy levels.  We've managed to kick the Soda Pop habit (which for me in particular was a small miracle) and haven't had really any cravings for it since.  Besides having our son, the other thing that really encouraged us to try juicing (and really just work towards healthier eating) was the video "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" featuring Joe Cross in his own journey to recover his health.  We're not just trying to lose weight quickly, and this isn't really a "diet", it's a new way of living with our health in mind.  I'd recommend this video to anyone who's suffering chronic illness or just feels lethargic all the time.  More than my weight, my mental faculties have benefited from the changes we've made so far.  I can think MUCH more clearly since we've begun our journey towards health and I'm more myself than I've been in a very long time.

On the spiritual side... I never felt more connected to divinity and especially the aspect of the Mother Goddess than when I was pregnant.  I'll be delving into this more in a future post too, but lets just say I see a great deal more connections spiritually than I ever have and it's amazing.  I feel truly blessed to have my son, and know that he is a beautiful gift from the divine sent here to teach us and help us grow.  Also, I've recently found someone who is willing to mentor me in the path of Elemental Witchcraft, and I couldn't be more excited to begin this new journey.  I had been feeling pulled toward this path for some time and have read many of the books that I found on the subject, but it will be exhilarating to learn this path on a deeper level.  In some things, books just aren't enough, and for me, this is one of those things.

I'll end this update for now, but I'll be back soon.  I've got a lot on my mind, and Lord Thoth isn't going to let me rest until I get it written out.

Brightest of Blessings!

This year for Samhain, I felt a need to go to our local Renaissance Festival. We had already gone once this year, but I really felt I needed to go back... I have this beautiful picture of a falcon hanging in my living room that I had taken at the Ren. Fest. a few years back, and I thought it would be nice to give a copy of it to the Falconer who puts on the most wonderful Birds of Prey shows with birds that he rehabilitates. The shows are very informative, and I very much respect the work that he does. Had it not been for these shows, I would not have been able to take this wonderful picture, which I treasure.

It's the end of October already and Samhain/Halloween is upon us. This Time of year has been pretty tough for me since my dad passed away in 2008. He was a big part of my life and I was not ready for him to go. Really though, when is anyone ever ready to lose one of their parents? I've been reflecting on the impact my dad had on my life a lot the past couple weeks and remembering some of the silliest things, things that seem really insignificant when they're happening, but things that stick in the mind for some reason none the less...

Over the last year, I have spent far too much of my time and energy trying to make ends meet so to speak. While finances are a major worry for pretty much everyone these days, it was more of a singular focus for me, and it caused a major imbalance in my life and my energy.

Last week, my husband and I went on a much needed vacation. We took the time together, to not only re-balance, but also to reconnect with each other and with nature.

A couple weeks ago, I was sleeping soundly when I woke suddenly. I felt a very strange sensation, and out of instinct, I sort of pushed with my hands and shook my body as if trying to get something off of me. I rolled over, a little groggy still from waking, and saw a shadow sort of hovering in the corner of my room.

What I did next was again out of instinct, but I find it rather curious... I pointed at the shadow and said "Dissipate", almost as if issuing a command, although I have no idea why I'd say that specifically. After this, the shadow faded away and in just moments I drifted back to sleep.

As I was sleeping before this all happened, I honestly wasn't sure for a couple days if this incident was real or a dream. It took me a few days to decide, but it was nagging at me too much to leave it be. I still keep replaying it in my head. I have no idea what this shadow was or what it was doing when it woke me, but what I find most interesting is my instinctual reaction. I don't know where that all came from. Dissipate isn't a word I would normally use so I'm baffled as to why I'd use that word. I'm also completely astonished as to how quickly I was able to fall asleep afterward.

I've ALWAYS been afraid of the dark. In the past, when something strange would happen at night, I'd be so terrified that I'd not be able to sleep for days or even weeks afterward. My calm after this event is new to me. Even now, looking back over all of this, I feel a sense of peace and even accomplishment more than fear. In some way I feel comforted to know that even when I'm not fully awake, I'm able to protect myself. What I protected myself from exactly seems to matter less(a little) than the knowledge that I did though.