As I said in my last post, I finally became a mother in August of 2011.  My husband and I had waited a long time for this and there was a lot of heart ache in the earlier years of our marriage.  You see, I've been pregnant before, although not for very long.

We suffered our first miscarriage the year before we got married.  We'd begun planning our wedding already at the time, and when we discovered I was pregnant, we put off the wedding because I didn't want to walk down the aisle 8 months pregnant.  When I miscarried, we decided that the later date was still best.  We had a lot of emotional damage to work through, and it wasn't an easy road.  We'd suspected there was a problem with the pregnancy pretty much from the beginning because I was spotting, but neither one of us would allow ourselves to believe that something so terrible would happen to us... I guess everyone feels that way at some point.  Our loss nearly drove us apart, we just didn't know how to talk to each other about what we were feeling.  It was a real test of the strength of our relationship.  We learned though, to lean on each other for comfort and support.  I think it was sheer determination that got us through and made our beautiful wedding happen the next year.

A year after we were married, we moved to Texas.  We lived in a pop-up camper for 8 months, and managed to save enough money in that short time to put a down payment on a house.  It seemed our lives were really coming together so we decided to "try again".  A friend I worked with had had similar difficulties with her fertility so we decided that we'd both schedule check-ups with an OBGYN as a first step on our TTC(trying to conceive) journey.  I think it was the only way either one of us were ever going to try to figure out if there was some reason we had miscarried in the past or why after a few years, we'd still not gotten pregnant again.  Not long after our check-ups, we both found out we were pregnant.  For me, it was the same as the first time... More spotting, more worrying, more blood tests (to watch my hormone levels) and within a couple of weeks, another devastating loss.  Thank goodness my friend didn't have to go through all of that again too.  She had a healthy baby boy and I couldn't have been happier for her.

I don't know which is worse after a miscarriage... All the checkups at the OB's office with a waiting room full of so many families joyfully expecting their little blessings... Or the stupid things people say, mostly because they don't know what to say.  For me though, the worst part was the stories on the news about people hurting or killing their kids.  I was angry for a while at the injustice of having lost my babies before even getting a chance to feel them move inside my belly, while the world was full of unwanted pregnancies and undeserving parents who would harm their own children.  After our second loss, it seemed as if every day there was another news story about a dead baby found tossed aside like so much trash.  It got pretty unbearable to watch the news, so I just stopped.  I'm glad I did stop watching the news though, because I think I'd have wallowed in my depression much longer and much deeper had I seen much more of that kind of news.

After our second loss, my husband and I decided not to wait to try again.  We tried charting my cycles, and keeping track of my basal body temperature for a couple years.  Month after month we went through the same heart breaking disappointment, and honestly our sex life became more of a obligation than anything we enjoyed.  We talked about fertility treatments, but decided against it because I knew there was too much risk of further loss, and I didn't think I could handle any more.

The next step we decided on was trying to adopt.  We did some research, and decided on going through the state's foster care program.  Private adoption was prohibitively expensive, and there are so many children in foster care that need a permanent home.  So, we signed up for their classes that are required to begin the process.  On our way, two rather large pickup trucks, nearly sideswiped us.  You'd think we would have taken that as a sign that this just wasn't meant to be, but we were determined.  The first half of the class seemed to be going really well, right up to just before the break, when they said "we don't place children in homes with certain breeds of dogs".  This was an instant red flag for us, because we had a young pit bull at home.  She was a gift from our realtor when we moved into our home.  We'd soothed our heartache a great deal with our pets, and they were (and still are) very precious to us.  After verifying with the CPS representatives that Pit Bulls were indeed one of those breeds that they won't place children with, we walked out of that class and never looked back.  My pit bull is the sweetest dog I've ever owned, and she is amazing with our little boy, so I don't regret that decision in the least.  At the time, however, it was incredibly disheartening.

Not knowing what else to do, we gave up on our quest for parent hood.  We put our relationship first, and really grew closer than we'd ever been.  I found faith again, in a new way, but one that felt more natural to me.  We found ourselves happy just as we were... Just the two of us.  I don't think either one of us ever stopped hoping we might have children one day, but we weren't making it a focus any more. Part of me had given up though, and I was OK with that.

So, when November 2010 came around, and I found myself feeling nauseated for several days with no apparent explanation, it was mostly on a whim that I decided to try a pregnancy test.  I didn't really believe it was possible.  I did the test while my husband was at work.  The results were pretty clear and immediate (+) couldn't miss that.  I cried for joy!  My husband got the news via a picture text, I couldn't wait to tell him.  He was speechless, according to his coworker, his face just went blank.  Of course there were those nagging fears mixed in with our joy, but this time was different.  I new it in the deepest part of my soul.  We waited until Christmas to tell our families though...

I'll never forget that day, nor the day my son was born.  I thank the gods every day for giving him to us.  We are truly blessed.