Lately I've been examining myself a bit more closely in relation to how I treat myself and how others perceive me.  I'm not saying I give a lot of credibility to what other's think of me, but I'm trying to compare how I see myself and how other's view me just to get an idea of whether I'm showing others my true self or if maybe I'm not seeing myself as accurately as I think I am.  In all truth, both sides of the equation are a bit skewed, but it's my view of myself that is the most in need of adjustment.

When things are going smoothly for myself and my family, it's easy to be open with people and be confident in myself.  Of course, when things go wrong, it's a different story.  I get stressed and although I put on a confident face for those around me, I don't often feel the confidence I'm showing.  I have a lot of self doubt, but looking back once a stressful situation is resolved, I find that I handle things a lot better than I give myself credit for.  The problem is that the next stressful situation I have to deal with, I'm right back where I was before, doubting myself and whether or not I'll be able to get through it.  It's difficult to admit, but NO ONE is more effective at undermining my confidence than I am. I've been through a lot in my life, and I've been able to pull through every situation that I've faced, stronger than when I started.  But, instead of patting myself on the back and being proud of myself for pulling through yet another tough situation, I spend a lot of time beating myself up for getting myself into that situation to begin with.

Many of the more recent situations that I've had to handle lately, aren't MY messes either.  But part of who I am is a caring person who wants to be helpful and reliable for the people I care about, and if that means lending a hand when I'm needed, I'll do it with my whole being.  Sometimes the people I'm helping, take advantage of that, and it hurts.  That's probably one of the things I beat myself up for the most, letting others take advantage of me.  Here's the rub, I WANT to be a person who helps others.  That's part of my nature.  I don't want to let the fact that those I help sometimes let me down, stop me from helping someone else in the future.

So what are the lessons here?  One is that I can't keep helping someone who repeatedly lets me down and refuses to accept the help they are asking for.  The biggest one though right now, is that I need to cut myself some slack.  It's time I acknowledge my own strength and believe in it, and instead of beating myself up when someone else lets me down, I need to recognize that the shortcoming isn't always mine.  While it's not worthwhile to continue to help someone who clearly doesn't have their own best interest at heart, and doesn't place any value on the time and energy I'm putting in to helping them, I need to remember that it's not a reflection on me as much as it is on the character of the other person.  I will continue to help those who need me, and when they're working with me for their own betterment, then we'll both come out the other side better for the experience.  But, when they're not going to accept the need for their own participation in the solution to their problems, then I have to give myself permission to walk away knowing that I did the best I could instead of beating myself up for trying.  I will not allow the people who let me down, to make me care less.  That's not who I am, and that's not who I want to be.  I will, however, learn to accept the shortcomings of other's as THEIR shortcomings and not mine.